musings from a cubicle

I'm a lemming...

2006-03-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's official; I am a lemming. Or maybe not a lemming, as much as one of those hamsters that runs on a stupid wheel. Either way you slice it, I have some serious problems... this is what I realized last night, as I sat on the couch with a friend, hollaring numbers at the TV screen while some elected official from some town I'd never heard of was trying to win money by picking briefcases! DAMN IT! I can't believe I got suckered into this.

Alright, ALRIGHT...

2006-02-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I ran out of Snapple (not true), which I guess signals the end of Snapple Facts, and the return of me.... for now. As the good book says, for every end, there is a beginning... but I make no promises.

Anywho--

1.) The Olympics - Who cares? I'll stop and listen to anyone who can explain how a nation can go for four years without giving a rats ass about speed skating, only to suddenly awake and glue themselves to a TV set when "America's Best" take to the ice and skate... I'll really listen close if they can explain why they do all those things when they already know what's going to happen on the ice. I understand NBC has to protect their bottom line, but at their own peril. As for the dwindling ratings, all I can say is this-- if Ebersol manages to re-start the cold war, I think people would care less about American Idol and more about the Olympics. 'Till then, it's an overblown Madison Avenue parade.

2.) Andy's blog - Equally offensive.

3.) Sudoku - Ummm...

4.) Blogs and their corporate co-opting - No one told them they're just online journals, I guess.

5.) You never know true heartbreak until you wake up one morning and find yourself demoted from a friend's Top 8. It's like living Brokeback Myspace.

Happy Friday.

Real Fact #123

2006-01-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

Beavers were once the size of bears.

Real Fact #164

2006-01-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

The first vacuum was so large, it was brought to a house by horses.

An Exercise in Stupidity -or- How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Hate Everything.

2005-11-10T09:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a friend sent me the latest email that sprung from the bowels of hipster central NY. Obviously as an affront to my patronage of certain bands... I responded. See below.

On 11/10/05, ----- wrote:

If you made me read this moron's ravings, I'm going to make you read my rebuttal: read in original email (bold).

On 11/9/05, --- wrote:

From Ron Lefsetz:

Do Me A Favor

My phone and e-mail have been ringing about U2 and the Stones. I have no desire to see them. Should I feel bad about that? U2's indoor tour for "Achtung Baby" was one of the best I've ever seen. Right up there with the Who performing "Tommy" at the Fillmore East. But I justdon't want to hang with those people. Newly-rich Gen X'ers reliving their college days. Telling themselves how they still believe on the long walk back from the arena to their SUVs. If you can afford to waste all thatmoney on a U2 show you're inherently a disbeliever. You sold out to the system long ago.

This is just judgemental nonsense. Nothing to do with the bands, a jump to nonsequential reasoning about the people who buy the tickets, and it sounds like sour grapes. What's wrong with seeing our favorite bands play? Even if the experiences has changed? Does anyone rank on Clemens because his artilery has changed with age? and instead of being a straight power pitcher, he's more wiley? I think you're really just more angry that you're working at McDonalds.

Rock is about an energy. A limit-testing. Sure, Sly Stone's performances were a celebration, but there was this edgy sexuality that had youwrithing. It was all about the moment. There was no nostalgia involved.

So because tickets are expensive and they're older... there's no energy? Nostalgia? These aren't reunion shows. There's old and new material. I don't understand you. This isn't like seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd with 2 of the original members...

But what's worse is the Stones. What would possess someone to pay $450 to see these old farts, going through the motions. Give the people what they want.

They are giving the people what they want! I got a news flash for you, buddy; if you charge $450 for something, and that something sells out... do people want it? I'm still surprised McD's even hired you with this amazing grasp on economics you have.

Ray Davies said it ironically. The Stones are living it. And the people in attendance. With their one of everything. A mini-mansion, a vacation home, an SUV, a Mercedes, a Harley. This show is another notch in their belt. These shows don't represent anything I got hooked on music FOR!

Awwww, boo hooo. I hate everyone! What's wrong with this guy?

Music was an escape from society. A place where I went to lick my wounds.

It sounds like you've got quite a few. Would you like to lay down on my couch and start with your childhood? I promise the Stones and U2 won't hurt you. This is a safe place.

A place where like-minded people resided. Castaways from society. AM radio was for the mainstream. We had our FM. And our Fillmores. And our BitterEnds. And our Roxys.

Can we go back to the part where you ripped on Nostalgia? Oh, you want to keep going? Okay.

I don't think most people going to see the Stones ever partook of shows back then.

Is that English? Canadian?

It was just too dangerous. Go down to the East Village on a weeknight?On ANY night?

Ah yes, I fondly remember the days when the Stones played a 6 month residency in the East Village. Whew, those were wild days. Wait... what?

U2 and the Stones are business.

Yup, right on front of every other band.

If you doubt me, then why do you have to join a fan club to buy the theoretically good seats for U2's shows. Bruce Springsteen doesn't do this.

Weren't we just saying something about nostalgia tours? Springsteen? He's okay? I'm confused, man.

And check the Stones' merchandise display.Who'd wear this shit?

Wow, what prose! You are really hammering the point home now! I HATE CLOTHES!

Fuck 'em all. The major labels. Clear Channel. Everybody justifying their behavior on the past. The music business is just as bad as the movie business. Needing to preserve its release WINDOWS!

I finally figured it out-- Remember the guy behind Woody Allen rambling about Marshall McLuhan in Annie Hall? You're his son.

Instead of Edgar Bronfman, Jr. railing how he's not getting enough money fromXM I'd like to see him testifying in the press how fucking great the service is. But if he was ever a music fan, he's forgotten.

Can I ask a question? What the hell is this article about?!

Give Jimmy Iovine credit for his success. But isn't the 50 Cent movie just a replica of "8 Mile"? Haven't we literally seen this movie before? Even if people go, how good a taste does it leave in one's mouth?

Hello?

The whole major business is moldy and decrepit. It's so far from theunderpinnings of the modern era, what this edifice was built upon, it's laughable.

You've got me laughing, for one.

First and foremost it's about music. It's not about hair.

Beatles.

Or appearances onTV.

Ed Sullivan.

Or motherfucking Grammy awards.

Never was.

It's about being in a club, in the dark, and hearing a sound that transports you.

Oh I get it, your 'e' is kicking in. Don't mind me. (No, I won't touch your hair. I don't care how groovy it feels)

I don't mind following my favorite act from club to arena. If they give a little time to me.

I understand, we all need rules, space. This is what makes you such a rebellious outcast who longs for the Fillmore...

If they're not touring arenas on their FIRST ALBUM! Give me a little time with them. Before the machine eats them up and they wonder what they're in it for to begin with. Outside a Poquito Mas in Burbank today I heard the Subdudes' "Do Me A Favor"on XM's Cafe. You've probably never heard it, never mind are aware of the band. But this is something I want to see live. A group of people doing it for the JOY! That joy is contagious.

Apparently, not contagious enough. And how about when the Subdudes play Madison Square Garden, you'll be the idiot raving in the parking lot about how they sold out.

The more ticket prices go up, the more they hype the big acts, the less I care.

I sincerely doubt it, since you just keep talking and talking, presumably, about how much you hate it.

Madonna. Give me a break. A desperate fortysomething worried her career istanking makes a dance record. She's got no soul. If we cut her open I think we'd find wires. And don't give me that male/female shit. Did you ever see Laura Nyro? She touched your soul. But now I'm off point.

We crossed that bridge a long time ago, mon frere.

I'm just saying real music fans are tired.

Ever met one?

They don't want to go to the big shows. Everything seems like a rerun. Like Todd Rundgren said in the seventies, can't we go back to the bars?

Real music fans are the ones who love their music, and support it, and don't feel the need to go around trashing other people's music, and how they choose to support them. You want to tell me that some dude living in his 60's who saw the Stones at Altemont, now lives with a wife and kids, and is excited to see them play again, and will shell out the $450 isn't a music fan?

Put down the keyboard. Seriously.

Beware the Ides of October

2005-10-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

There's a word I'm thinking of right now, and it perfectly described the feeling I had last night right around 11:30 PM ET. Schadenfreude. It's a fancy word I learned in psych class... but before that, let's go back a few hours...

Last night, the Houston Astros were one out away from going to the World Series; a place they've never been. And FOX was ready to roll- they were showing old footage of past Astros misery, shots of an elated Nolan Ryan seated next to GM Tim Purpurra, and they had their lights-out closer, Brad Lidge, on the mound to close it out. With two outs to go, they were doing Cardinals fans the courtesy of showing a split graphic of the Astros logo and the Cardinals logo vs. White Sox in the World Series beginning Saturday. And then a funny thing happened...

With two outs, and the juicebox shaking with excitement, Lidge walks Eckstein (no relation) and allows him to steal second. Then he walks Edmonds. And then... Pujols hits a ball that might not have landed yet to give the Cardinals the lead, crushing the hearts of Astros fans everywhere. Astros are deflated and lose the game in the 9th sending their team to a Game 6.

Keeping in mind that even though I hate them, I am rooting for the Astros, I started to laugh. And I laughed. And I laughed. And I laughed so hard, I almost fell off my couch. To see the hopes and dreams of Astros fans dashed, and to feel the air go out of a place faster than a balloon under a tank made me feel gleeful! What the hell is wrong with me?

That brings us to the pompous sounding word I began with. Schadenfreude. It means Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. I have had too many of my own gut-punch moments and too many things that belong to me, broken by my own rage at the bumbling band of boobs who I love. And when this stuff happens to other teams, well, it just makes me feel that we might not be the only cursed ones in the world... and, misery loves company. Especially miserable company. I might be rooting for the Astros because I'd like to see some of their vets get a World Series ring, but don't confuse yourself; I hate the Astros, I hate the Cardinals, and I hate the White Sox. And their collective misery makes me happy. Late inning homeruns that dash the hopes of fans make me happy. Let them see how it feels to be a Cub fan for a few days.

E-A-G-L-U-C-K-Y!

2005-09-26T11:24:00.000-04:00

When the NFL first released their schedule for the 2005-06 season, one game jumped right off the page. Raiders/Eagles. I got excited for two reasons: Firstly, I used to work with two huge Philly fans, and never got the chance to trashtalk, since I was an AFC West guy. Second, I knew I could go with them to the game.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go to the game with Gary, who opted to stay home and hang out with his son. Fortunately, I was able to go to the game with my roommate. Here is a running diary of the events that would befall us in the city of brotherly love:

7:30 PM ET, New York: Roommate and I board the NJ Transit train that will ultimately take us to the SEPTA train that will ultimately take us into Philly. SEPTA? Is there a more apropriate name for public transportation in Philly? It's like they actually found the word Septic and found a way to make an acronym for it!

10 PM ET, Philadelphia: The plan was simple enough: get off the train, walk 20 minutes to Jim's, grab a cheesesteak, and then meet up with my friend Greg and get over to his house in Manayunk for the night. (Still amazed by these names I find on the Eastern Seaboard.. I guess growing up in California I became accustomed to names like Pacoima, Avienda de Cortez and Tierra del Fuego. Here it's names like Manayunk, Ramapo, Mahwah... cities that were imagined by 3 year olds who just learned how to speak.)

10:20 PM ET, Jim's: I knew about Pat's and Geno's, but this is the one that I heard was "legit." Like, the tourists went to the first two, but the hardcore folks went to this one. I don't know if I was right or not. I also have no idea if Philadelphians really DO love cheesesteaks, or it's just a tourist thing.. Now, I love a good cheesesteak as much as anyone, but I think, unlike a steak, or a burger, they're either good or they're not. There's not much variance in a cheesesteak.

Anyway, this place was decent enough, but for a spot that was "the place the tourists didn't go", they really knew how to "jump the shark" on a restaurant that was supposed to be legit. Putting up pictures of celebrities and their signatures seems to indicate that your legitimacy has become a parody of itself, and yes, you are a tourist attraction. Katz's Deli can get away with this, however.

10:40 PM ET, the 'yunk: Greg and his girlfriend pick us up and whisk us away to the merry land of Manayunk. We find out that Greg's girlfriend has 8 brothers and one sister.

Me: "Obviously you're a Catholic."

10:45 PM ET: We wander into the house and find a stunning 52" DLP television that glowers over the room like the monolith dropped in front of the apes in 2001: A Space Odyssey. No, I did not club Andy over the head with a bone... yet. But, I sure would have once I found out that that the TV doesn't work! It gets worse. He had an original Nintendo Entertainment System, complete with Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, and Double Dragon! (No Tecmo Bowl). So, we were left with conversation... how does that work, again?

10:46 PM ET: I tell him that I am going to fix the television. What the hey? I've got experience with broken televisions. Hell, when I first moved to NY, I had a TV that wouldn't turn off unless I unplugged it. Surely this couldn't be much harder.

10:46 PM ET: I stand up and start banging on it.

Yup, this was my bright idea. I try the left side, then the right side. Then a few buttons on the TV. See if you can guess how this turned out?

11:30 PM ET: We accept that the TV is gone, and it ain't coming back. I manage to get the sound working, and for some reason, they actually like the idea of staring at a blank screen listening to South Park. I totally vote this idea down. But that gives way to an argument about whether or not it was possible whether or not to live in a city and be totally unaware of one or more of its sports franchises. My argument was that it was totally feesible to live in Los Angeles, and know who the Lakers were, and have no clue what a Clipper was, much less realize that they were an NBA team. Andy said there was no way.

However, all this was prompted by the line from Major League when Jake Taylor is asked "The Indians? Here in Cleveland? I didn't know we still had a team!"

Now we're trying to figure out how it was possible to know of a team, once, only to have forgotten about their existence. (This is how cable and satellite companies make money, folks). I'd replay the rest of this argument, but I'm about to go ram Q-tips into my eyeballs.

12 MIDNIGHT ET: The prank calls start. I can't believe it took this long. I throw a *67 before a phone number, thereby blocking mine, and let it roll.

12:01 AM ET: The prank calls are over. I might be the last one standing at the age of 24 who still gets a kick out of this. (*note: I find out the next morning that the *67 trick does not work anymore when I get a very confused voice mail. That could have been much much worse. I ducked karma on that one, big time).

12:30 AM ET: Time to sleep. There's one couch and two very tired people. Andy is on the couch, and just decides that he's sleeping on it. I challenge him to a game of rock, paper, scissors; best 2/3. He is very very hesitant, but realizes that there is no way he can just claim this space of land without a fight.

12:31 AM ET: Andy takes rock, Dave takes rock.

12:31 AM ET: Andy takes rock, Dave takes scissors.

12:31 AM ET: Andy takes rock, Dave takes paper.

12:31 AM ET: Andy takes rock, DAVE TAKES PAPER!

12:32 AM ET: I take a victory lap around the house, as Andy lays dejected, slamming the couch screaming obscenities.

12:40 AM ET: ME : "Hey Andy, remember when you took rock and I took paper?" Andy: "GREAT JOB!"

12:41 AM ET: ME : "Hey Andy?" Andy: "GREAT!!"

--SLEEP--

10:30 AM ET: Wake up time. Breakfast is on our mind, and Greg has returned from his own breakfast to assist us in our decision. He throws a few things around, and then I say "BOOEYS?!" Andy is instantly engaged. "Bui's" is a lunch-truck that sits right outside of the UPENN campus, that, for some reason, has developed a cult following. I can't think of another situation where someone would ever be this excited about food from a foodtruck. But Greg says "Well, it's not exactly on the way. But, it's not exactly out of the way either. Fuck it, let's go." You know how some people will fight you if something isn't exactly tailor made to be the easiest way from point A to point B? Not Greg. God bless him.

11:15 AM ET, Bui's: Yum. Good truck, good times.

11:45 AM ET, The Link: We arrive, tickets in hand, team allegiance in disguise.

12:15 PM ET: We see a group of people wearing construction outfits handing out items promoting another new Adam Corolla show; seriously, did this guy just change agents or something? The woman hands me a tape measure with the show's tune-in info on it, and I tell her I'm going to throw it at Donovan McNabb's head. (I was genuinely shocked these words came out of my mouth, and... let's just say, she was too)

12:45 PM ET: Section 243. Riiiiiiiiiiiight up there with the crazies. Great seats, perched right over the 35 yd line. No Raider fans anywhere near me. Shit.

12:50 PM ET: I never want to go to another game at the Meadowlands ever again. This is the most amazing football facility I have ever seen. Spacious, state of the art, easy on the eyes, great view, great food. And this was all before the pre-game proceedings!

12:51 PM ET: The Eagles cheerleaders come out. For my money, they're the best in football. You can forget the Cowboys cheerleaders, they're a cliche by now. These ladies are something else. And, they're performing for minutes on end. A camera on my face would have revealed some sort of euphoric glaze, watching scantily clad women, dancing on a football field, beer in hand, about to watch my Raiders. Life is good.

12:55 PM ET: They've got a pre-taped piece with Swoop, the Eagles' mascot, in Swoop Wars. Where this bird, dressed as "Swoop Skywalker" comes out to slay the evil Darth Raider. It's genius. (I'm now wondering how Eagle fans can be all bad when they're doing cutsey things like this... *note: I never do figure this out).

1:00 PM ET: Pre-game introductions. Every Raider player's name/college is followed by an extraordinarily loud "SUCKS!" from the crowd. When they announced Woodson, I joined in. That's okay, right? He is an overrated jerk***...

1:05 PM ET: Kickoff. All the good natured Raider booing has turned into a sea of evil. Anyone wearing silver and black appraoching our section was showered with cheers of ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! Women wearing Raider shirts/jerseys are told "Your shirt sucks! Why don't ya take it off!"

1:07 PM ET: I managed to keep my partisanship a secret right until, oh, about two minutes into the first quarter when the Raiders scored and I turned into a shreiking lunatic… before I realized what I had done, it was too late. The late-40's-lunatic insurance salesman sitting next to me slowly turned his head to me, jaw wide open, giving me a look of death, realizing he had a Raider fan sitting next to him. These guys are the worst to sit next to in ANY ballpark; they've already given up on their lives, their only joy left are their sports teams, and have seen too many horrific things happen to their team to forgive anyone other than an Iggles fan sitting next to them.

To add to the "hilarity", the Eagles came out wearing their alternate home uniforms, that are in black. They started the game by botching three kicks in a row, and having their kicker limp off the field, giving way to their back-up Tight End making their kicks. After that, some yahoo behind me kept yelling at the team about their unfortunate choice of jerseys: "HEY! WHY ARE YOU GUYS WEARING RAIDER-BLACK? GET BACK IN THE LOCKERROOM AND PUT ON GREEN!"

--then--

"WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS WEARING GREEN?!"

--THEN--

"WHY THE F--- AREN'T YOU GUYS WEARING GREEN?!?!"

--THEN--

"GODDAMMIT! GET BACK IN THE LOCKERROOM, GET A NEW KICKER, PUT ON YOUR GREEN, AND START THIS OVER AGAIN!"

(He said this way more than three times, but you get the idea. I think he was the 5th Queer Eye member to be this disturbed about their uniforms)

1:xx PM ET: ME: "Hey Andy, remember when you took rock, and I--" ANDY: "GREAT!!!!!!"

1:xx PM ET: Crazy insurance broker man starts rolling a joint. Man, he is weird. Then, I thought he was about to punch me after this exchange:

HIM: Man, your team really _______ ________ sucks.
ME: We suck? Really? I guess I'm not that smart, but maybe you can tell me why my 0-2 team is making your defending NFC championship team look so bad? Can you tell me that?!

I was a very popular person is Sec 243 that day, even without the silver and black on.

2: xx PM ET: Finally, two other Raider fans show up, and I tell them I was getting lonely without them. Now, just remember that I'm NOT wearing any Raiders gear at this point.

So, you're you, and you show up to a football game, and someone in the section tells you that they were getting lonely without you.

Sound good?

(We cleared things up sooner rather than later).

3:xx PM ET: By now, Janikowski has missed two field goals, and I'm wondering if we can trade him to the Eagles for their kicker whose leg is about to fall off.

4:xx PM ET, 4TH QUARTER: Tie game! Tie game! Oh my...! I am standing up and screaming at this point. Less than a minute to go, and the Raiders tie it up. I don't give a good goddamn what Eagles fans are in my section and what they want to do to me; I was hollaring like a brute. I even stood up and said "Oh, they scarrrrred now!" (I don't know who I think I am, or what I was doing... maybe I just wanted to die that day.)

4:xx PM ET: They drive down the field. We commit penalties. We play like, well, the Raiders. And, Gimpy McGee, the Eagles kicker who is practically wheeled out in a wheelchair BARELY splits the uprights to give the Eagles a victory.

Maybe it's just my way of thinking, but I was happier to be in my shoes than day than an Iggles fan. True, we just lost, but we lost tough. They won, but they won ugly. We already know we're not going anywhere this year, and we have to scrape for silver lining. They've got a lot of rationalizing to do, after this ugly win against an 0-2 (now 0-3 team) as they try to preserve the optimism that they're going back to the Super Bowl... which they ain't.......

No, that's bull. I was furious. I wanted that win so badly, I could taste it. We had 'em. We f'ing had 'em. And I don't care if it was the last game we won all year (No, I would have cared), but we should have won that game, and the two games before it. Which reminds me...

What in the world is the NFL doing giving a 5-11 team a schedule wherein they play the two Super Bowl teams within the first three weeks of the year?!

Anyway, that was my trip to Philly. I'll be back on Thursday for Week 4 picks!

Our Phone Lines Are Now Open...

2005-09-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

Week 1 - The strangest week in the NFL. If you're a Suicide/Survival Football player, you have come to rue Week 1. This year, it was the "sure-thing" Vikings and Rams causing the proverbial "Week 1 Massacre", and knocking out 80% of the league.

Week 2 - We think what we saw in Week 1 was for real... but what we saw in Week 1 was mighty strange. For example, the KC Chiefs shutting down the Jets offense? (Or any offense?) Week 2 is our chance to 'rub our eyes and make sure what we're seeing is real.' So what happens this? Peyton Manning doesn't throw a TD pass till the 4th Quarter, and the Bears DEFENSE scores more points than the Colts OFFENSE (seperate games, mind you, but...). However, certain trends continue: Minnesota looks lost, Favre looks old, and Tampa Bay keeps rollin' on them Cadillac grills.

Week 3? I think I'm just as confused... but I have a vague idea of what to expect (picks in CAPS):

Tennessee Titans at ST. LOUIS RAMS (-6 1/2): I go into this whole introduction about how bizarre everything is, and then lead off with this game? (Great.) Anyway, Same old story, year after year, with these two teams: Mike Martz, Steve McNair, Mark Bulger. For this game, at St. Louis, Titans' WR Drew Bennett is Questionable, Titans' RB Chris Brown is Questionable, and Rams Head Coach, Mike Martz, is always Questionable. Rams will win, but will anyone care?

Oakland Raiders at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8): Nice marquee match-up here with two of the most spoiled brats in all of sports. Anyone who has read this blog knows my feelings about Randy Moss (and anyone who dared to pick up a remote control and switch on ESPN in the offseason knows allllll about Terrell Owens)... but now Moss is a Raider, it makes it that much easier to look past these things, and instead, focus on the honeymoon phase, and all the nice outreach work he has done for children. Really, heartwarming stuff. However, I expect a quiet day from Randy, as the Eagles will blitz the heck out of Kerry Collins all day long. Collins needs his time, and won't get nearly enough to make his throws. If the Raiders are to have any shot at this one, they'll need to lay off the penalties (Ha!), drastically improve the performance of their secondary (HA HA!), and play with some fire (Now I'm actually laughing out loud). Eagles will handily cover the spread.

Cincinnati Bengals at CHICAGO BEARS (+3): Now, I actually think that next to Steelers/Pats, this is the marquee game of the day. You've got Cincy, a much much MUCH improved team on both sides of the ball, with the league's next star QB in Carson Palmer going into Chicago, a team with (as of Week 3) the most dominant defense in the league. Chicago has some weapons on offense as well, so I expect a very even game. I think the homefield advantage will give them the edge, and while I don't expect them to score as many points on defense, I'm certain they will make life very difficult for everyone wearing the league's silliest looking uniform.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS at New York Jets (NL): It seems like the oddsmakers might be waiting on Leftwich's health to call this one, but I think he'll play, and I think he'll win. The Jets are what they are- light offense, light defense, kind of blahh; Chad is a question mark, Curtis Martin is too old, and the players are punching each other. Mr. Pennington is having some trouble getting his act together after reconstructive surgery, and that is about par for the course. Some good moments, and some "what in the world??" moments... needless to say, sports talk radio is having this team for breakfast. And every single one of those idiots calling in, bemoaning the "loss" of Paul Hackett should have their heads examined... Hackett was run outta town faster than Trey Atwood on Rodeo Drive. (This is a clear homage to Sports Guy.. I don't even watch the show anymore, but yet....) But the Jags have shown me some things; their defense held the Colts scoreless for longer than any defense ever has, and they have yet to commit a turnover! Leftwich might be a little banged up, but he is really coming together, and yes, this is the same guy who played with broken limbs. I expec a tight game, but I think the Jags will edge the Jets at home, and all hell will break loose on WFAN.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3) at Miami Dolphins: Love Saban and the new-look Fish, but they're not quite there yet. Carolina plays well on both sides of the ball, and just beat the defending champs. The line is a nod to the Dolphins improvement, but I do expect Carolina to cover.

Cleveland Browns at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-14): Trent Dilfer. Peyton Manning.

ATLANTA FALCONS at Buffalo Bills (NL): Another wait and see approach by the boys in Vegas, on "Monday Night" Michael Vick. Falcons fans, this is Cub fan: I feel your pain, two-fold. I know the feeling of having talent on your team so tantalizingly good that you know if they could only stay healthy, just once, it would be enough. (Of course, I'm not talking about any pitchers on the Cubs... right?) The Falcons have blown hot and cold, but I think the Bills will just blow. HAHAHAHAHA... oh man, somebody cut me off.

Arizona Cardinals at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-6): I might have made this point before, but, shoot, here goes again. Has anyone else noticed that all Pacific Northwestern sports teams are exactly the same? They're ridiculously mediocre for years on end, and then, all of a sudden, they put it together, do some amazing things leading up to the post-season, and ultimately shit the bed. You know what? I don't even care who wins this game. Kurt Warner should not have a job in the NFL anymore. Arizona shouldn't have an NFL franchise, and I vote we give Seattle another 5 years to get it together, or all their teams go somewhere else. Capisce? (ahem, Seahawks won't cover.)

New England Patriots at PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-3): I think the time has come. Bemused by the Raiders in Week 1, embarassed by the Panthers in Week 2, this is put up or shut up time for the Patriots. But, this time, the Steelers are ready. Wille Parker, Big Ben, that safety with the wild hair, and 50,000+ who want nothing more than total Patriot anihilation. I even think that Steelers will cover, and get the talking heads really fired up about a Steelers Super Bowl.

DALLAS COWBOYS (-6 1/2) at San Francisco 49ers: San Francisco... you wreck my suicide pool, and then you look like a pop warner team against the Iggles in week 2. The hell with you all... and have fun playing Parcells' bunch after that Monday Night Debacle. I'm sure practice was reaaaaaaaaal fun this past week in Dallas. Note to Tagliabue: this is the week to let Nolan wear the suit, so he can be put to rest right after the game.

New York Football Giants at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-6): This is easy.. 0-2 San Diego, pissed off and ready to explode, and guess who's coming to town? The snot nosed punk who told the Chargers he wouldn't play for them, and had Daddy strong-arm them into trading his rights to the team in the #1 TV Market. Giants have had two soft wins, and are ready to be exposed.

Who I Like On Monday Night, and I Don't Mean Sam Ryan:

Another cheap homage to King, and Yes, I do mean Sam Ryan.

KC CHIEFS vs Denver Broncos (-3): I hate both these teams, but the Chiefs are pretty damn good. Maybe really good. Might be special. Vermeil has a look about him this year, and that two-headed running beast is amazing. Looks like they can play D too... TOTALLY unimpressed with Denver. Every NFL coach named Mike this year might be in trouble, especially Mr. "I'm such a brilliant coach, I can't win without John Elway".

Okay, time to make sure I still have a job. Feel free to send all your hate-mail to my roommate! (I'm already looking right at you Jets and Giants fans...)

I'm still thinking...

2005-09-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

Morning ABCs...

a) Woke up this morning to a 60ish degree day. This makes me happy.

b) Started reading "Now I Can Die Happy", the first book by ESPN's Sports Guy, and I don't think we properly have this guy in perspective yet. He has become an icon for my generation, and must-read material for, literally, everyone I know. Sports Guy has written about the feeling of his admiration for Baseball and Red Sox guru Peter Gammons, what his columns meant to SG, and the feeling of despair and rage when he would open up the paper to find Gammons' normal column written by someone else. I think he would be pleased to know how many times I, and others, have had that feeling towards SG. I've even had a girl in a bar tell me how funny she thinks he is.

Anyway, this book is excellent, and I was laughing out loud until my eyes slammed shut. Early highlights include: an ongoing diary about attending a wedding with his friends during the most amazing sports weekend, having to miss it, and returning home to find that his girlfriend, "The Sports Gal" ruined his attempt at recording the game(s) by innocently watching Regis and Kathy Lee, before leaving for the weekend. The line, "Why? That didn't mess up your taping, did it?", sent shivers through my spine. If I had a nickel for every time I'd heard that.

c) In looking at my book collection, I realized that it is an overwhelming collection of sports books, biographies (mostly sports), some fiction, and history. I suddenly imagined my girlfriend asking "Why do you like sports so much?" (*note: this would be the imaginary girlfriend, not the real girlfriend who, at her own will, sat with me and watched football all sunday long. that's right.)

The answer?

It's an unhealthy relationship with no way out.

Back in Psych class, I learned about the different types of relationships in which people participate. I remember two of them... (there might have been more, but...) One of them was a simple, set, equal ratio of 1:1. You get what you give. In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. The other one was a little trickier. An unfixed ratio of madness. You give and you give and you give. You might get, and you might not, but because you're unsure when you're going to get, you hang on, and keep giving; and when you actually do get, it's an amazing feeling that keeps you wanting more. Ignoring sports for a second, let's all think back to the relationship we've engaged in, or witnessed a friend in, that sounds like this. She's a huge bitch, and a total pain in the ass, but they're still together, because he keeps hanging on, waiting for the glory days to come back. (And, really, is that any different than seeing Mike Remlinger trot out to the mound, wondering if this is the day he remembers how to throw strikes?)

The point is this: We're all stuck in these relationships with our teams. And the greatest part is that they have figured out a way to keep us stuck. The reason most real-life "ratio of madness" relationships eventually end is because of the incessant, non-ending hell and misery wrought. How have the teams figured out a way around this? THE OFF SEASON! Where hope springs eternal...

So imagine your bitch on wheels girlfriend. You used to love her, but things aren't right, and you have a nagging feeling that this is an unhealthy relationship, and maybe, just maybe, it's time to go. Then she decides to go away for 5-6 months! While she's gone, you start to forget about the misery, and remember the good things. You start seeing slight improvements, some more drastic than others, providing hope! (read: maybe they signed that power hitting shortstop and shored up their miserable bullpen!) Before you know it, you can't wait for them to come back, and everything looks rosy again!

Then they do come back, and lose 15 straight games to open the season. 1997 Cubs, I'm looking right at you! ...and it starts all over again.

I know what you're thinking, "Dave, what if this team/girlfriend wins the world series? Isn't that good enough for you, you miserable curmudgeon?!"

Of course, the answer is "No, it isn't." Go ahead and ask a Red Sox fan if 2004 was good enough for them. Better yet, ask a fan of the team that has 26 World Championships to their name. Are THOSE good enough for him?! Of course not. In fact, it only makes things worse. Raising expectations like that means you have to deliver all the time, thus increasing the level of hate when you don't.

So to all those trapped like myself, I say, "Go ahead, pull up a seat, buy a t-shirt, read a book, remember the good moments, ignore the bad, and remember... just like old whats-her-name, on any given day, anything is possible."

And that's why I love sports.

Thank you for your time, the men with the white coats are here now.

(NFL picks delayed until the boys in Vegas are ready with the lines).

Nothing But Nothing...

2005-09-20T16:52:00.000-04:00

There is nothing like a good friend telling you that your blog reminded him of a Peter King column to bring the inspiration like a mutha...

I promise I won't do this every time, but just because...

8 Things I Think I Think:

1. I think that Giants fans didn't quite understand the meaning of Saints home game last night at the Meadowlands. Snatch the soapbox away before I stand too long, but when the NY Yankees stormed towards the World Series in the post 9/11 world, it would have been un-American to utter a single boo. So, Saints WR Joe Horn hurts himself in the end zone and a neanderthal Giants fan (maybe redundant) screams out "Where's your cell phone now, p***y?!" Nothing funny about that peace, love and understanding. Typical New Yorkers; of course they're more important than anyone else.

2. I think that I have an irrational and unhealthy love for DIRECTV's NFL Sunday Ticket. Really, can the FDA please smack a warning on the ads for Sunday Ticket about talking to a doctor in case of heart palpatations and/or 6-hour erections?! Every game. Every Sunday. I mean, hell, if I wanted to watch the Cardinals vs. Rams (aka, the Abu Ghraib Game of the Week), I could, even if I didn't live in the .05% of the country receiving that game. However, I think I'll spend the time watching the Raiders accrue yellow flags like there's a famine coming, and all they can eat are... yellow flags. (Great).

3. I think that the Raiders need Bill Parcells.

3a. I think I would even take Vince Lombardi. Today.

4. I think that watching the White Sox slide into oblivion after having an unthinkably large lead over the AL Central is solace for watching another Cubs season go down the drain.

5. I think I was slightly disturbed reading an article about local residents on the Lower East Side's disappointment with "gentrification." I don't have a problem with mourning the loss of local flavor, and cheap eats. But one local resident was upset about gentrification because now he didn't see white people getting mugged anymore, and it was a safe neighbhorhood to walk at night. And I'd like to thank him for making me a fan of gentrification.

6. I think I can't wait for HBO's new Sunday Nights with Curb Your Enthusiasm, and organic American offering Extras from English funnyman Ricky Gervais. The way things are shaping up, I will have successfully atrophied my muscles by Monday morning...every week.

7. I think blogging is like exercising... if you don't do it for a while, it may take some time to get back into shape.. Mr. King, I apologize.

8. I think one of the things I'll never forget was the night I met Peter King, while working on a late night local TV sports show. It was the same night that Mets great, Tug McGraw, had died. After Peter's segment was over, he opted to watch the rest of the show in the control room, along with myself and the rest of the show's production staff. The show's final segment began with a taped piece tribute to Tug McGraw; and as the clips were rolling, I mused aloud, "He looks like he could have been Al Leiter's father." And Mr. King turned around to me and said "That is a great, great call!" Made my night. Great, great guy.

stay tuned for NFL picks later this week.

The Case for Fever Pitch

2005-07-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

The Case for Fever Pitch:

After hearing many opinions on this movie "Fever Pitch", most from angry Red Sox fans, I am here today to present the case for Fever Pitch as a movie that straddles the line between chick flick and normal flick, that, in fact, carries more appeal for men than it does women. Before I present my case, however, I'd like to throw out a few facts about the movie itself. First, this movie is loosely based on a book by Nick Hornby, author of "High Fidelity", "About a Boy", and many others. If John Cusack's career had a personal author, it may well be this man. It has been my experience that he writes about the lives of men, usually as an omniscient narrator and sometimes in the first person, about their lives and their experiences. In doing so, he is assuming the role as a sort of spokesmen, as any author does, on a subject he knows well about, that would appeal to a similar audience. The book, "Fever Pitch", is about an Englishman who cannot seem to find a middle ground between loving his favorite football club, Arsenal, and the women in his life. The movie, "Fever Pitch", is about a Red Sox fan with a similar problem. NOT, and I want to make this clear, about a woman who falls in love with a man that has a Red Sox problem. The difference is subtle, yet pronounced.

Second: The movie was produced by the Farrelly brothers, the kings of late 90's grossout comedy: "Something About Mary" being the most notable. They are die-hard sports fans, their movies are peppered with cameos of famous Boston sports icons (including Roger Clemens, Tom Brady, Cam Neeley, etc) and even though their movies have taken on a softer tone, as recently as "Stuck on You", they are nowhere near signing up to direct something having to do with any sort of Ya-Ya Sisterhood. In addition to this, the movie was written by the formidable team of Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel. Their writing credits include "City Slickers", "Parenthood", the TV series "Happy Days" and the classic "Spies Like Us" (even a little "Joanie Loves Chachi"... but we won't hold that against them). They have made a name for themselves for writing smart, snappy dialogue with a tender edge, as demonstrated in the evidence listed above. Again, no Oprah specials, no "Tuck Everlasting" among them.

Before I begin my case for Fever Pitch, let me make the case against another movie: Summer Catch. This was a movie about a love story that takes place at the summertime Cape Cod leagues. Were it not bad enough that this was an unwatchable piece of garbage, this was the worst kind of masquerade perpetrated against the male gender. This, no doubt, is a chick flick hiding behind a baseball glove. It demonstrated no real knowledge of baseball, was sappy as hell and should have just been called "Dawson's Curveball." I'll let IMDB fill in the blanks about "Summer Crap" with their crack research staff:

Factual errors: When Ryan's buddies are keeping track of the number of strikeouts that he gets in the last game by posting the 'K' signs they mistakenly post the Ks backwards when batters swing at the third strike. The backwards K is the baseball scorekeeping symbol for a strikeout in which the batter does not swing at the third strike.

Enough about that garbage, now on to Fever Pitch. The first clue that this is not a chick flick is that the narrator of the movie is an old man who knew the main character since he was a boy. This is not how chick flicks start. But before that, the opening credits of the movie roll to shots of Boston, while "Dirty Water" by the Standells plays. That is the song that rocks the grounds of Fenway Park every time the Sox win a game. It is their anthem. If this were a chick flick... gosh, I don't even want to go down that road. Moving along...

Without dissecting every scene of the movie, I'll gloss over the finer points. My favorite clue about this movie's true intentions happens midway through the first act, when the couple have dated for a bit and mingle with their mutual friends at a party. After a few hours, the girls go upstairs to talk privately, and the men stay downstairs smoking cigars. While the women are upstairs (more on that in a second), the men are sitting around listening to Jimmy Fallon talk about how incredible it was to be at the 1999 All-Star Game when they wheeled Ted Williams onto the field. The men around him are moved, stunned, as Fallon speaks about watching grown men weep at the sight. This is a moment that can only be understood and made possible by those who know and love the game. The best part? The women are upstairs scheming and trying to ruin Drew Barrymore's good time by implying that Fallon must be a creep since he's still single. So you've got the ultimate love for the game in one room, and the image of women as catty bitches in the other. Can there be any more certain sign than this?

Perhaps. Was it when Drew and Fallon are fighting and Drew says (paraphrasing) "You'll only come up with another excuse not to go out with me because Pedro is pitching on Friday!" and Fallon replies "No no, Schilling's on Friday, Pedro on Saturday."? That was good. Or how about when Fallon's character goes into a tailspin and his friends find him slumped in his chair replaying Buckner's error over and over again? And as they prop him up, the first words out of his mouth are "It ain't his fault, Stanley screwed us by not covering the bag." Folks, this is NOT a chick flick.

Is this movie a romantic comedy? Yes, it is. Are there true estrogen moments buried within? Yes, of course. Make no mistake, this is a romantic comedy centered around a couple. But, like "When Harry Met Sally..." before it, I think that it does a pretty good job of playing to both sides, and is a great treat for any sports nut, with the way it understands the life of a Red Sox fan, the team's history, and everything that goes along with it. If you're a Red Sox fan, it's twice the fun. By no means was this my favorite movie of all time, and it is far from perfect, but I felt compelled to defend it against the denizens of sports fans and Sox fans that gave it such a bad rap... But if you just can't bear the sight of a guy and a girl kissing to a swelling overture of music, and you think that enjoying a movie like this somehow emasculates you... you're an idiot.

I rest my case.

This is embarassing...

2005-06-27T20:38:00.000-04:00

...every time I write a new blog and announce that I'm back, and ready to blog some more, I pull another disappearing act. And when I actually feel like coming back and writing something, i'm too embarassed to even do it. And now that I decide to write again, I give people the idea that I'm actually committed to this again. Am I? Only time will tell with this one...

But I still haven't forgotten how to do a great Larry King...

QUICK HITS:

a) Am I the only person in America shocked to the core that this "Dancing with the Stars" show on ABC is a hit? I like to think I understand the pulse of this country, and I would have relished the idea of calling Security to escort anyone out of the building who would pitch a show like this. "Okay, how about this? Let's take a guy... uhhh.. Evander Holyfield! Yeah, I know he's a boxer, and I know he was a pretty benign champion, and I know that no one really likes boxing in this country anymore... but.. let's take him.. and uhhh... watch him dance!"

What in the world?

b) I love this, I really do, and I apologize to Michael Hiestand of USA Today and others for lifting some of this, but I can't let this go by. (I'll paraphrase). David Stern comes out and declares the NBA Finals a TV success because while the the ratings were down, and down bigtime in the US, they are up all over the world! I'm sure the advertisers are dancing in the streets because the overnights in Denmark were up! And then he says, the ratings are down in the US because kids have so many different ways to access information and media. Of course! Obviously the kids were watching the games on their cellphones. I can't believe he gets away with this!

c) If you ever go apartment hunting in New York, bring a helmet and a bottle of xanax. You can buy a helmet at any hardware store, and for the other stuff, just send a cousin to Tijuana, or call your younger sibling at college. Funny thing is, if they had to race (like one train leaves Chicago at 7, another from Philadelphia at 830), I would put money on the kid at college. Next, and this is key, DON'T BOTHER WITH CRAIGSLIST. I'm sorry, Craig. You've been good to me. You helped me find my first apartment. You even helped my roommate find a used mattress. I don't know why he decided to buy a used mattress. I don't know why ANYONE would decide to buy a used mattress. How can anyone account for what sort of shenanigans went on? Can a mere cotton sheet erase the faint scent of a dead hooker and goats blood? I'm sorry... I got carried away, this was about you, Craig. You can't be held accountable for the choices people make. You're just the facilitator. I get it. But your apartment listings have gone to hell. It's a giant bait & switch.

Pop Quiz: Where can you find a true 2 BR on the Upper West Side beneath the 90's for $2000 or less? Craigslist.org will tell you who to call!

"Can I see it?"

"Sure, first come in and fill out some paperwork."

"But, I've already filled out your damn paperwork."

"Okay, well come into the office and we'll show you what we have."

"I don't care what you have, I want to see this place."

"Okay, well, you're going to have to come into the office."

It's not my fault I didn't figure out what the hell was going on the first eleventybillion times I had this conversation with a broker (It's my fault that I didn't spot the trend of the aforementioned apartments not quite living up to their billing... or existing). Nonetheless, my hunt began. Here's the highlights: First, we started in the East Village.. When I saw true two bedrooms, they were true-ly big enough to fit a big dog and his doghouse. They were also up a flight up stairs steep enough to have required a base camp midway through the climb. Some buildings smelled like hell. Some buildings looked like hell. There were moments when if I really really focused, I could pretend I was apartment hunting in Burma... Myanmar... whatever. None of this would be objectionable if the prices reflected the merchandise. So, for a 5th floor walkup, in a grungy part of town, in a building that smells like a baseball stadium men's room, two "bedrooms" and a living room even a buddhist steeped in nirvana would object to... all they were asking was $2200 a month. (Did I mention the 15% broker's fee?)

I'll take a moment to describe one of the brokers we went out with. I won't mention his name, because I think if you should happen to use him, you'll have some great stories... or, if you're my roommate, ready to buy a gun. If you asked him a question, not only would he not answer the question, he would talk for 15 minutes about nonsense. He was full of jokes, but if you had one of your own, he'd get pretty angry and short with you. An apartment on 14th Street between 1st and 2nd - We walked in. There was a stove. Two rooms. And a closet with a pair of dirty shoes in them. You couldn't pay me to live there... that includes a 15% brokers fee. My roommate says to him "Okay, if the shoes come with the place, I'm ready to talk." The idiot nearly blew a gasket assaulting our expectations. (This was after we asked him if he could find us an apartment above a fire station, because we preferred quiet. I'll let you figure out if he got the joke.) I'm not a broker, and even though I did stay in a Holiday Inn express last night, I still won't claim to know everything. But here's one thing I do know - your job is to show people what they want to see. If you can't figure that part out... well, you are fit to be a broker in this town!

The epic story of Apartment Hunting in NY will continue tomorrow. Coming up next, except on the west coast, it's your local news...

THE RELAUNCH

2005-04-27T12:44:00.000-04:00

I know this is the second time I've returned from a leave of absence. No haughty MJ references. No celebrations. Just a new template to get people excited, and we're back. It's that simple.

At "The Stadium" last night with my roommate, a rabid Red Sox fan. He really hates Yankee Stadium, the Yankees, the subway that takes you to Yankee Stadium, etc etc...but he continues to accompany me to Yankee Stadium, all the same... and odd things seem to happen whenever we go to games. It is as though he is the walking ghost of the Bambino himself. A quick example: Last April, we went to a game against the A's. The A's were white hot, the Yanks were ice cold. The papers were starting to bury them, Jeter was putting up Nomar '05 type numbers, and of course, the fans were booing them lustfully. Andy, the roommate, was gleeful at this golden opportunity: the chance to boo the Yankees and, at the same time, blend in as a Yankee fan. With the A's sitting atop a comfortable lead late in the game, Ken Macha, the A's manager, started making bizarre bullpen choices (we're talking Dusty Baker territory) and slowly but surely, the Yankees clawed their way back, and won the game as Yankee stadium erupted in what proved to be a cathartic win that snapped them right out of their funk. Andy had reversed their curse.

For Andy's 2005 encore, under similar settings, A-Rod hits 3 jacks, throws up 10 RBIs on the night, and the Yankees thump the Angels without mercy. Ken Macha must have been advising Mr. Scioscia last night... The Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, aka Bart Colon, had already thrown 99 pitches, walked half the lineup, and gave up two bombs to A-Rod. Now, the bases are are loaded, there's a warm reliever in the 'pen, and A-Rod is up again... Any sane person pulls Colon. But since Andy was in the ballpark, Scioscia sits on his hands, and 'Rod puts another one in the seats for a grand slam, while, presumably, Michael Kay was foaming at the mouth screaming how A-Rod is the greatest player in the history of baseball.

And, I achieved my long-time goal of acquiring a Graig Nettles Yanks t-shirt. I laughed hysterically whenever I saw the street vendors selling this item.

"Folks, We got Rivera, Rodriguez, Jeet, Giambi, even Bernie... and... Nettles!"

Don't get me wrong, I know Graig (note: not Greg or Craig... Graig) was a great 70's Yankee. But you're telling me that Nettles is more worthy of a streetside T than Reggie? Mattingly? or even on the lower tier... Girardi? Coney? This just seems arbitrary.

Be back soon.

Free Fridays!

2005-02-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

Thankfully, this job allows me certain days to just relax and blog... and Fridays are usually good for 'em. I could just waste time and read every single article on the internets about Day 1 of the Cubs in Spring Training; the public is starved for every single pitcher's (and catcher's!) opinion about Sosa's exit. So far, the consensus is that they're a better team without him. Salud.

Last night, I had the pleasure of watching four bands rock the stage at the 169 Bar in Chinatown. I could not WAIT to get there after being informed by a friend that the nickname for this bar was "The Bloody Bucket." (Because that's where people go to fight! YIPPEE!) But nothing, not even "The Bloody [expletive deleted]" could keep me away from seeing the greatest rock band in the world play. They are... "FUCKING GO"! With songs like "Fuck the MTA" and "I Fucking Love You" (a love song dedicated to the bassist's wife), they REALLY whip the llama's ass.

But as I said before, there were three other bands playing...

Band #1: Unfortunately, I can't remember their name. I'm not sure anyone remembered their name. If I had to guess, I wouldn't even bet that they had a name. If they did, it would probably be something Nu-Rock derivative with a splash, just a splash, mind you, of 80's NWOBH influence. Either way, I wish I did remember their name because they just became the answer to a very important trivia question. "Dave, who is the worst band you have ever seen play?" These guys would strike out at a middle school talent competition. I turned to my girlfriend and said, over the din of rubbish, "I honestly do not think they know how to play their instruments." Her response: "Isn't that the point of punk music?" Cute. Their sound was like gutterpunk meets death metal.. which I think is equivelent to the decline of civilization. They were even making fun of themselves by the end of their set; and not like clever Conan O'Brien making fun, more like "We have been made fun of all our lives, go ahead and heap it on like the rest of 'em." The highlight, and I use this term loosely, was watching them perform a song with the main riff from "Blister in the Sun". This may have been something they tried to achieve some sort of irony... But I guarantee they spurred more alcohol sales than any other band that night!

Band #2: UkUk. Not bad at all! I enjoyed their set, and I think I really would have enjoyed it more had it not been for the awful equipment the house supplied. The microphones were cutting out the entire night. (I hardly noticed in the first act). The lead singer was really into the music, and was jumping around the stage, gyrating, whacking a cowbell. It was great, and the band played really well. All of them were excellent musicians. If this were the end of Blind Date, I'd be staring into a camera saying "Yeah, I'd probably see UkUk again."

Band #3: See Band #1. These guys were slightly more polished, and could, at least, play their instruments... I think? Same idea though. Unfortunately, the mic was working well enough to hear this singer. If there were any lyrics, I could not decipher them. I have not learned how to speak "Grunt." But as the lead singer grunted his way to a coronary, he would occasionally take a stand on some chairs and go jumping into the air/crowd (more air than crowd). WHEEE! Hooray for being EXTREME! And then the moshing started. And I don't think I have ever seen anything more pathetic in my life. People beating each other up to the tune of grunting. If aliens were to have landed there searching for intelligence on Earth, they would have made a quick U-Turn... and I would have tried to hitch a ride.

Band #4... aka Fucking Go! The main event. The people's choice. And they gave the people what they wanted. Featuring Ross Inman on bass and his cousin Sam Young on the drums; the rhythm section was superb. The lead singer was energetic and managed to strike the punk rock pose without looking like a poser. Hence the difference between Fucking Go and the other two "thrash punk" bands. Despite the narrow scope that "thrash punk" allows, Fucking Go knows how to write solid and memorable tunes. Within these narrow parameters, the New York quartet manages to create quick and catchy gut-socking anthems of fury that leave the audience wanting more....booze. More booze. And more fury! And even though I wish they'd throw a U2 cover in there, I eagerly await the next show.

I'm Back!

2005-02-10T22:33:00.000-05:00

How haughty can someone get to declare their return to blogging by using the words now made famous by MJ's two-word press release upon his second return to the NBA? This haughty. My apologies to the people out there who enjoyed reading this blog, and would admonish me for my absence.. work has been nuts, but that is really no excuse. This is why at 10:37 pm on a Thursday night, the time has come to throw some hits out there like Larry King sipping on a Diet Tab:

a) Freddie #$&^#ing Mitchell... holy jeeze, if this guy doesn't shut up soon, he will singlehandedly soothe Philadelphia's collective misery as their sadness turns to rage to a lynch mob. For those of you non-sports fans out there, this guy, who has nicknamed himself "FredEx" and "Fourth Down Freddie", is a wide reciever for the Eagles. And as soon as the Eagles made the Super Bowl this guy put some make-up on, shaved a mohawk, dressed like the third weirdo member of Outkast, and started a never ending press conference of soundbytes that still has yet to abate. I need to put some quotes up here from his latest ramblings... these ramblings coming AFTER his team was defeated in the Super Bowl, AFTER he talked non-stop smack to the Pats secondary, and AFTER telling Rodney Harrison (of the aforementioned Pats secondary) that he "had something for him", and yes, AFTER that aforementioned Harrison had caught two more passes from Eagles QB Donovan McNabb than "Fourth Down Freddie"....

Referring to team-mate Terrell Owens' remarkable performance in the Super Bowl:

"T.O., he came and did an excellent job ... but that really took away from my play time and my opportunities," Mitchell said. "I couldn't shut a lot of people up that I wanted to shut up. That really hurt the situation."

In other words, T.O. catching all those passes really hurt my own situation of needing to catch passes. Not "the situation" of trying to win a Super Bowl...

"[The analysts] think they know it all. ... T.O. is just on a pedestal, and everybody else is pretty much peasants."

Good plan, rip the franchise. And just in case you're sure THAT didn't write your ticket out of town...

""He [Donovan McNabb]was dry heaving and he couldn't get the words out in the play, so he gave me hand signals. ... I basically called the play and knew what the coaches were thinking in that situation. I called the play out and went on from there." Mitchell added, with a laugh, that if he were in that situation again, he'd have called a different play, one in which he was the intended receiver."

Make the star QB seem like a choker. Time to stop calling yourself "FredEx" and start calling yourself "FredEx-Eagles-Wide-Receiver." I just hope wherever this guy does end up, they don't have local media that is interested in what this idiot has to say.

b) MXC is one of the most irritating shows on television. For those of you who haven't seen this crap... SpikeTV took some old Japanese physical challenge type game shows; people running and crashing into things, falling into water, and redubbed them with American voices making fun of Japanese people. I'm all for making fun of other cultures, but this just is not funny. Someone jumping from rock to rock and then falling into the water while the announcer is mispronouncing their R's and L's is not funny.

c) What do I have to do to get "Hot Seat with Wally George" reruns in syndication?!

d) Jose Canseco... You've gotta have some of Pete Rose's DNA in you somewhere.

But I gotta say, Jose may be a criminal, a juicer, and a complete opportunist starved for media attention while out to make a quick buck. But I think he's telling the truth.

We know Canseco was on 'roids, he said so.

We know Giambi was on the stuff, he confessed too.

So when Jose talks about these three-way injection parties in the bathroom stalls of Network Associates with two people who are on record as steroid users... (and how unbelievably homosexual do they sound talking about shooting steroids into each other's butts in bathroom stalls?) why should we think that McGwire wasn't a part of it? Skinnyish guy, started to get injured a lot, then all at once...he got much bigger, and much more healthy...then hit 70 home runs.

That is the steroid pattern.

I'll say this though, Big Mac did hit 49 home runs as a skinny rookie.

e) Sammy Sosa to the Orioles. Christmas may have come late for this Jewish kid, but it sure did come. Just how ridiculous did Sosa's agent Adam Katz sound after the trade while going on and on about how thrilled Sosa was to be in Baltimore, about how it was his first, second and third choice! Glad their memory is so short and neither of them remember when Sosa had cork thrown at him by people sitting in the outfield stands in none other than Baltimore's Camden Yards in 2003.

Say, did you hear that when an Oriole employee showed up in a personal vehical to greet Sosa at the airport and take him to his physical, Sosa told him he only takes limousines? The limo took an hour to show up delaying the physical and the press conference.

5 days till pitchers and catchers report!

One for the road!

2005-01-14T17:50:00.000-05:00

Taken from Dr. Z's 7th Annual NFL Commentator Awards:

In the TWO STAR category (out of five):

Don Criqui and Steve Tasker, CBS -- Things are falling apart here. Players are misidentified, wrong ball carriers are named, and then a point is made about them. First Indy-Jacksonville game, technical stuff has broken down as well. They go to a commercial, for instance, without telling you a timeout has been called, or by whom. The spotters seem to be asleep. Coverages, double coverages, are not accurately described. Criqui mentions how punter Hunter Smith, "places it beautifully," when it actually comes down on the numbers. Neither one of them has a whiff of what line play is all about. Why not a lower ranking? Because most of the time it isn't this bad, and they're both honest workers.

The rest of this article can be found at: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/dr_z/01/12/drz.announcers/index.html?cnn=yes

Enjoy the holiday weekend, I know I will!

And playing the role of Larry King...

2005-01-13T13:16:00.000-05:00

Quick Hits:

a) This may be old news, but ESPN just re-upped with the NFL to continue showing Sunday Night Games. They will be paying $900 Million a year for these rights. 900 Million Dollars for the rights to one football game a week... 16 of them. That is $56.25 million a game. And when you consider the fact that, from my vantage point, they seem to get the shortest end of the stick with matchups, something is rotten in the state of Connecticut. This is extortion. ESPN needs the NFL about as badly as W needed to find one stinkin' can of anthrax in Mesopotamia. Maybe worse! Without the NFL, ESPN couldn't continue to demand cable operators pay through the nose for their services... which they do. ESPN doesn't get half the ratings that other services like the Discovery Channel gets.. but try running a cable company without ESPN. Then again, try running a cable company without an NFL-less ESPN. Not as noisy anymore... I wonder if Bodenheimer promises his first-born in the next contract go'round...

b) The fallout from this Moss thing has gone to hysterical places. Vikings owner Red McCombs demanding that FOX remove play-by-play guy extraordinaire Joe Buck from the Vikings/Eagles game this Sunday, after taking umbrage to Buck's criticism of Moss. FOX rep said "We hope Mr. McCombs enjoys Buck's call, because he'll be in the booth this Sunday." Once we found out that Moss' moon was a "comeback" to the Pack fans that moon the visiting team's bus, people asked me if that changed my opinion. No, it didn't. But it did make me laugh. But how does that change what he did? And to Andy: I don't care if Barkely said he wasn't a role model. He was a role model. A bigger role model than Jordan.. And you can see it in all the "I don't give a fuck" athletes out there who are ruining the NBA.

c) I want to start a letter writing campaign to the Mets demanding they re-record "Lets Go Mets Go!" with Pedro, Beltran, Omar, and the new gang. I love that this team is getting more ink, and garnering more excitement than the Yankees... at least today.

d) WEEKEND PICKS: (lines courtesy of bodog.com)

STEELERS (-9) over Jets : The Jets caught enough karmic breaks in San Diego to last this franchise a lifetime. Unfortunately for them, they'll need more than that this weekend, on the road, with an injured/sick quarterback against a really strong team and a homefield advantage that will knock the Jets on their ass. I wish it weren't so.

FALCONS (-7) over Rams : Can I see the Rams' high-flying offense lift them over the Falcons? No. Their overall season defense wasn't terrific, but their pass rush was top notch.

Vikings over EAGLES (-9) : This one has the chance of making me look foolish, but I just have a gut feeling on this one. The Vikings are white-hot right now, firing on all cylinders. And the Eagles have psychological playoff issues, and lost their best receiever. It's just looking dubious, and I will feel terrible for the city and it's fans to go down one more time.

COLTS over Patriots (-3) : With a line like that, everyone is thinking the same thing. Manning will not go out like a chump again, and is going to make a statement that will echo for a while in New England. A banged up Pats secondary, an injured and out Ty Law, and perfect weather conditions... Patriots go home, and Daver is smiling.

My very own soapbox

2005-01-10T15:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, during FOX's broadcast of the Vikings/Packers playoff game, Randy Moss, the NFL's favorite problem child struck again. For reasons pertaining to brevity, I'll only say that his infractions against the law and the league since Day 1 are many, and well-documented. A few weeks ago, as his team was seconds away from losing, he walked off the field before the game ended, showing a dynamite sense of team spirit. Moss, to this point, has done a good job of cleaning up his image (reports of community service, helping sick children), then shitting all over it, in what seems like a vicious cycle of clever P.R. mixed with a bonehead's revelation of his true colors. During FOX's pre-game show, they rolled a pre-taped interview with Randy, conducted by Jimmy Johnson, where he offered up a feeble and bogus apology, only after being levelled by Johnson's relentless badgering. What I liked is that not only was the interview tough, but the FOX guys jumped all over him after the interview; Classic good guy Howie Long said he would never call him in the middle of a snowstorm to help fix his car. Bizarre statements, we got the point.

After being left for dead, and finding themselves sliding backwards into the playoffs, the Vikings came out against the Packers with a fire in their belly, quickly knocking the wind out of the team, and Lambeau. (It is safe to say that a playoff game on Lambeau field with Favre taking snaps is not what it used to be... at all). This was the story of the game... until Randy Moss' 2nd TD. After catching the ball, he ran over to the goal-post, mimed pulling his pants down to moon the crowd, and then started smacking his posterior against the goal-post. I was disgusted with what I saw. And for the first time in my lifetime, I watched the media take a stand; albeit, a half-assed stand.

FOX refused to show the replay.

I had images of what it would have been like had I been calling the shots in the truck that day; I would have stood up and shouted "NO REPLAYS! DO NOT ROLL THAT AGAIN," followed by an obscenity or two. And that is what FOX did! They didn't show the replay. ESPN didn't show the replay. No one showed the replay... Unlike when Joe Horn pulled the cellphone out of the padding and they showed every angle 500 times.. Or when TO grabbed the sharpie, or the pom-poms. But that's playful self-promotion; it's semi obnoxious, it's semi-fun, it's not totally uncalled for, even if it's not your taste. This was just a lack of respect for the game, the fans, the Packers, everyone.

FOX's decision, I thought, might be the tide turning: the time when the media stood up and said this type of contemptable behavior, this lack of respect for sportsmanship will stop, and we can stop it. When TV decided not to show idiots disrupting the games, people who ran on the field during action, they realized they can stop encouraging this stuff by not showing it anymore. Unfortunately, instead of ignoring the replay AND the issue; they took the incident and blew it up... no replay necessary. We live in a 24 hour world of media; news, sports, everything. They NEED this stuff to survive.. and until that changes, until the day when we no longer need 500 talking heads, TV will continue to show idiots who disrupt games.. even if they happen to be in uniform.

1,000 Wildebeasts

2005-01-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

To paraphrase the immortal Andrew F. Klein, "The OC returned last night with the force of 1,000 wildebeasts." The hilarity that ensued from Seth's attempts at becoming at bad boy (and his father's reactions to them) were not only classic, but they were a perfect counterbalance to all the heavy drama going on; from Seth threatening Sandy with an ear of corn, to drinking the John... Jim, or whatever it was at the club. I think Seth's drunken scene in front of his house will prove to be a classic OC moment. However, the real story of this one was the Cooper "household". Marissa stole every scene she was in, and should put this entire episode on any "video portfolio" forthcoming in her career. The scene at the party, "I'M THE DAUGHTER OF A THIEF AND A SLUT!" was jaw dropping television, and she dropped the bomb like a badass. Though, it seems like every scene involving Marissa ends with me chalking up another 4 years of therapy for her (and drug abuse) in her adult life. Big points for her scene with Dad on the beach; girl's got serious range. I'm surprised that the writers have allowed her to go this far with DJ (the 4"5' Indian dude), but bringing the bagels over to the Cohen's house and the pseudo-incest feelings brewing between Ryan and Lindsey seem to be taking us back to square one; which is a good place to be, considering that their tepid love story seems to be hitting the same note over and over again. A few side notes, however: The Summer love story with that guy isn't going anywhere interesting, and we all know where she's going to end up (although, it's looking less likely by the week... this reminds me of the Cubs and Carlos Beltran-- early on, it seemed like a foregone conclusion, but as the weeks go on....)Not a big Modest Mouse fan; I was eager to see what they had to offer, but I ain't buying. The music on this episode wasn't quite up to par... (unlike the knockout combo of the Killers and U2 from a few weeks ago. CLASSIC.) I'm not sure how Alex was so hung over that one morning, yet continued to drink throughout the day, YET looked stone cold sober at the rock club. But that's a mild complaint, and one I'm certainly willing to look past given that she's set to hook up with Marissa. For the next episode however, I'd like to see Caleb kidnapped by a gang of midget rebel fighters from India, led by DJ's family. Marissa move away with Alex...to the North Shore, of course. Seth become the next host of the Late Night show, with Ryan as his Ed McMahon... now that's TV worth watching.

...Instead of youuuuu!!!

2005-01-05T10:22:00.000-05:00

Morning Business:

a) In my grinchly haste, I made a terrible, glaring omission to my list of Xmas likes and dislikes. There is one thing I absolutely love about Christmastime, and it's "Feed the World" by Band-Aid. Yes, a Christmas song, even! This song just flat-out rules; it hits on all the right emotions, is catchy, and I will go as far to say that without the word Christmas in it, it doesn't even qualify as Xmas music, it's that good... yet, it is the eternal asterisk to my Xmas music hate. From the era when artists got together and wrote songs to try and help the world every two to three weeks it seems... "We Are the World"... "Tears Are Not Enough" (the Canadian response)... "Legs" by ZZ Top... Something about saving the whales?? This one was just brilliant. Equal parts legitimate 80s superstars and one-hit wonder no names. None of that matters because they're all fairly anonymous when you hear them in this song... all except for Bono. With apologies to ESPN's Sports Guy who has written about this moment, and this song; this is a very bizarre moment in music, when Bono, singing about hunger in Africa, croons "So tonight, thank God it's them, instead of YOUUUUUUU!!" Glad to see our ambassador to world peace, hunger and disease wasn't always so sensitive! For those of you out there who haven't heard this song, make sure to download it... but steer clear of the version they just re-did this past Christmas; ghastly, awful stuff.

b) If you had Oklahoma and 35 points... you lost!

c) I spent $9 to purchase a DVD copy of "Cool As Ice" off eBay. While browsing IMDB's List of the 100 Worst Movies of All Time, I clicked on this one, and discovered that the reviewers were simply enamored with this movie. I am willing to spend $9 + shipping to find out if this is THE movie that makes the jump from egregious swill to comedy classic. Vanilla Ice. A scene with him riding a motorcycle through a wall. Ice saying "Lose the zero, get with a hero" to a chick. And enough ridiculous looking clothes to last a lifetime. Yes, indeed, I think this is suiting up to be money well spent... and 6 of 9 people found this review from Amazon.com useful:

While the out-of-print VHS version of this film is perfectly adequate for the casual viewer, I'd highly recommend the superior transfer of the Bratslavian-import DVD, which includes among its bonus features a lengthy roundtable discussion of the film by Henry Kissinger, James Baker and N.W.A.

Note: This movie is totally out of print. VHS copies on Amazon are going for $35 and up...

More to come...

[-NEWSFLASH-]

2005-01-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

RYNE SANDBERG ELECTED TO BASEBALL HALL OF FAME!

Happy Happy, folks....

2005-01-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

Happy 2005 to everyone! Despite my grinch-like attitude towards Jesus day, I'm slightly more forgiving when it comes to New Years. However, I will never ever ever spend another New Years in New York City the same way I did for the past two years. And to illustrate my case, we're going to take a page out of ESPN's playbook for a round of Fact or Fiction:

1. All-You-Can-Drink parties in New York on New Years Eve are the way to go.

I'm going to have to go with fiction; These parties are the "way to go" for the people promoting them. They make a ton of money by cramming a ton of people in a bar with not enough bartenders to serve them- so, bada bing, they may actually be saving money, but the people who buy the tickets to these things think they're making out like a fat man at a Sizzler.

2. The more you spend, the better the party is.

F is for Fiction. You can spend any amount of money in New York and still wind up with the same results. For every dollar you spend, there's 1,000 other people who have rationalized spending the same amount of money.. and unfortunately for me, those 999 other people were bridge and tunnel meat heads all wearing the same horizontally striped button down shirt. You can spend $75, you can spend $200, you can spend $700... you will be getting the same, exact thing.

3. If you really want to party in style, going VIP is the only way to go.

F-F-F-F-F-iction. I'm not sure what the V and the P stand for, but I really think the I stands for IDIOT. And by that, I really mean sucker. This is outright fiction. The premise seems worthy; spend just a little more money on top of the already exorbitant amount already changing hands, and they'll take care of you. Maybe a special section just for you and your fellow VI-suckers, where you'll have easier access to a bar, or seating. Maybe a special line outside that gets you in faster. Maybe they'll take you on a chair and hoist you in the air like it's your Bar Mitzvah.. Let me tell you who is a VIP on NYE, and every other night of the damn year: hot women. They get it all, and they get it all for free. If you're not a hot woman, and you think you're getting something extra, you are just a sucker... a sucker that is a little lighter than your non-VIP friends.

4. Maybe it's not ideal, but it beats staying at home.

Erfindung! That's German for FICTION. After an incredibly expensive and frustrating NYE in NYC, I have learned my lesson. Yes, FACT, I have learned my lesson. I'll even print t-shirts that read NERD (without the periods, as to not be confused with the group) to wear on December 31st. I will not do this again. I will NEVER do this again. This is a big FUCK YOU to every single party promoter out there in New York who laughs all the way to the bank on January 1st after making people wait 45 minutes to drink for "FREE". I used to love NYE- it used to be the height of debauchery and decadance for my friends and I. Anything was possible, and we had some awesome times... but all those nights had something in common; we were at home, or someone else's home. A lot of liquor, maybe a poker table, friends and their friends who were women, a jacuzzi and pool, and some of the best New Years Eve parties you could shake a stick at!

This year? I was home by 12:30 AM. Dominos called ME and asked if I wanted to order a pizza, I found out Blockbuster is doing away with late fees, Conan O'Brien rang in the New Year in the Central time zone with one of the funniest processions of mid-western culture I've ever seen, and that was that.

My Christmas with John Madden...

2004-12-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

First of all, I want to thank Santa, the NFL and the executives at CBS Sports for bringing me the Raiders @ Chiefs game on this Christmas day. I couldn't possibly think of any better salvation from the NBA. As for Meet the Fockers: Focking awful... I don't even want to waste my time writing about it. Just don't see it. But before all that, I spent my morning living one of the greatest 2nd half Madden Football finishes in the history of the world...

Let's go to the videotape!

After a mediocre first half by Rich Gannon and the Oakland Football Raiders, featuring a touchdown strike to Doug Jolley and a Janikowsi field goal, the Raiders led the Buffalo Bills, 10-3. Defense dominated the game for most of the second half, with just a Raiders field goal in the third quarter. We take you now to the fourth quarter, and with less than two minutes remaining in regulation, the Raiders leading by 10, Rich Gannon is driving in the red zone.

The offense lines up in an eye formation, Gannon snaps the ball, looks to Rice, throws, and is PICKED OFF! As the game goes from in the bag, to up in the air, the Raiders defense limps onto the field and Drew Bledsoe goes to to work. Before you could say Turducken, with no timeouts remaining, the Bills and a no-huddle offense drive down the field and into the Raiders red zone. The Raiders call a timeout and attempt to regroup. Thirty seconds left on the clock-- Bledsoe hands off to Henry and is stopped at the goal line! First and GOAL, Bills with 1:00 left. Bledsoe passes incomplete, second down. Bledsoe passes incomplete, third down. Bledsoe hands off to Henry for no gain, FOURTH DOWN. Bledsoe hands off to Henry... Touchdown Bills! On fourth and goal, the Bills score a touchdown, in one of the most improbable comebacks. Madden and Michaels are making snide comments about the Raiders defense, and I am stunned. The Bills line up for the PAT and after running the clock down to :15, the kick is good.

The Bills kick deep and Whitted is stopped at the 22 yard line with :07 left on the clock. Timeout Raiders. The Raiders go with a 5 WR Formation, the Bills in a prevent. Gannon snaps the ball and goes long to Jerry Rice! Complete pass! Rice calls time with :01 remaining. And Sebastian Janiskowski, the Polish sensation, rumbles on the field for a 49-Yard attempt.

Palms sweaty, and the Play Station controller thumping in rhythm to the heart-beat supplied by the video game's sound effects... the ball is snapped... THE KICK IS UP, AND IT IS GOOD! JANIKOWSKI SPLITS THE UPRIGHTS AND THE OAKLAND RAIDERS WIN 17-14!!! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES??? YES!!!

Coming up next on ABC, middle-aged sluts and yard boys in "Desperate Housewives". For John Madden, I'm Al Michaels, we hope you enjoyed this presentation of the NFL. Good night everybody.

Q&A on Xmas Eve

2004-12-23T10:32:00.000-05:00

Questions...

1) If I am a paying customer to premium movie channels, and I illegally download a movie from the internet that is due to be running on said movie channels... where is the crime? If I have plans of watching this particular movie on HBO, but download it a few months in advance, is this really any different than watching when I had originally planned? Is it the violation of release windows or just using illegal means of watching a movie? I know there's flaws here, but it is sort of interesting to ponder..

2) It's 56 degrees outside on December 23rd in New York City. Yikes?

3) Is it possible to be a patriotic liberal? Examining our post-9/11 world, the country has been split in two: the doom and gloom lefties, and the ignorance is bliss-let's hold hands and live paralyzed in fear righties. I would argue that Michael Moore is a patriotic lefty, but at the same time, there's a grey area he enters when he talks about his desire for a US defeat in Iraq. Is it possible to be both things right now? I don't know. I know I consider myself left-wing, and while I am ready to acknowledge the myriad of things this country is doing wrong right now, I am not shy about rising to it's defense when needed. I think the root of most world anger towards the US is because we're not living up to our duties; we set the bar so high for ourselves, and we're failing to help the rest of the world out. When we send billions in aid to countries around the world, and still hear them bitch about what a bunch of bastards we are... what is the problem? We've got to do a better job. We need to stop confusing our duty as the big dogs in the world as our license to scrap the rules whenever they don't appeal to us. We need to take ourselves down a notch to re-engage the rest of the world with our program; If we want help in Iraq, we have to wipe the egg off our faces, and offer these other countries some incentive to help clean this mess up. Can we admit that the billions we've poured into Iraq would be better spent cleaning up the Sudan, the REAL war on Terror, and the environment? I've wandered away from my point... I think it is possible to be both, and if the Democrats want to put someone in the White House in 2008, let's take the time to find our voices, and get it right this time...

4) I got on a political bent today after seeing the documentary "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism", about the Fox News Channel. Poor production in this little movie, but pretty compelling stuff here. There is no semblence of objectivity with the network, and that would be fine if they weren't masquerading as a legitimate network news channel. There ought to be a congressional investigation into this... Where does freedom of speech and freedom of press meet? Is it their right to report the news, as blatantly one-sided as they do, and claim to be "fair and balanced"? I do not know.

5) My weekend NFL Picks (hometeam in bold):

VIKINGS over Packers : Favre is not Favre anymore, and the Vikes have the edge with Moss and Culpepper.

Raiders over CHIEFS : Raiders are playing hot right now, and seem to have a little fire in their belly.

TITANS over Broncos : Jake the Mistake. Volek at home.

STEELERS over Ravens : Pitt's offensive weapons at home win out over Baltimore's D.

LIONS over Bears : Chad was a one week mirage, and without Urlacher the Bears are not HUNGERED...

BENGALS over Giants : As of right now, there is no line on this game. Very tough to call, It will be close, but Cincy has the edge at home, and Palmer is quietly having a very strong season.

JAGUARS over Texans : Leftwich and co are hitting their stride, Texans disappoint when results are expected.

Panthers over BUCS : Bucs are a mess on and off the field. Panthers are rollin'...

JETS over Patriots : Chad and Jets are heating up, Patriots seem to be hitting a few bumps on the road... This division game in New York, after a tough loss in Miami should go to the Jets.

Bills over 49ERS : I've said it since day 1, the 49ers are the worst team in football, and Mularkey has this Bills team playing great football.

Redskins over COWBOYS : Is VH1 broadcasting this game as an I Love the 80s special?

SEAHAWKS over Cardinals : I'm glad they're letting the unwatchable teams play each other late in the year as to avoid wasting anyone's time.

DOLPHINS over Browns : If anyone is looking for Don Criqui and Steve Tasker...

Eagles over RAMS : This is put up or shut up for the Eagles, good thing it comes against Martz's band of boobs.

Merry Christmas to all!

Cool times in the hot stove..

2004-12-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

a) Things we all hope for, but rarely work out:

1. Every team invites handfuls of minor league veterans, n'er do wells, and has-beens to spring training; most of these guys have stuck around in the minors putting up so-so numbers, or are fizzled prospects who have fallen on hard times, or guys from the Indians in "Major League." Without fail, at least a couple of these guys have blazing springs- they're killing the ball, or mystifying batters with their breaking stuff... and the sick part is, everyone falls for it. But the equation is only set-up to produce spurious results: [Superstar veteran hoofing it during his spring "vacation"] + [Minor league veteran playing his ass off to make it to "the show"]= a roster spot for Danny Young- the guy who never could figure out how to get major league hitters out until this spring ('99), with the Chicago Cubs! Holy Cow! Hey Hey! Look at this guy's slider! Get this guy a uniform and put him on the roster! But when opening day at Wrigley rolls around, with below freezing temperatures, and this guy gets called in from the bullpen with men on and walks three runs in... it would be a good time to give pause and reflect on the difference between spring training numbers and REAL LIFE. [if anyone has a player or two that has actually made the jump, i'd love to know...]

2. I bring this one up because I'm cushioning the blow: Movie sequels. "Meet the Fockers" is probably going to be wretched. The original set the bar so high, that failure is their most logical fate. Can they do it again? Can they take a movie that worked so well the first time, by making fun of a guy's name, profession, awkward scenarios with in-laws, and everything else, and do it all again without feeling tired and forced? We'll soon know... But if Major League 2, American Pie 2, Airplane 2 are any indication; movies that succed with a formula, die with the same formula. [I'm well aware of Die Hard 2, Lethal Weapon 2, the Godfather, Star Wars and Rocky movies... but we're speaking about comedies here.]

Okay, I've only got two right now. But I think life is full of these.. I guess the lesson here is, keep your expecatations down and you'll smile more?

b) Dodgers renegged on the Yankees. Shotty business practice here, but a wise move. I can't figure out why everyone is tripping over themselves to allow the Diamondbacks to acquire Randy Johnson. Was Paul DePodesta in his office trying to figure out the best way to win the affection of Brian Cashman? "I know, if I trade two of my starters, my best reliever, my only consistent source of power, AND a prospect...will he finally respect me?" Randy Levine of the Yanks responds by wondering if anyone would ever want to do business with the Dodgers ever again; Randy, if the Dodgers keep offering ridiculous sweetheart deals to every other team that calls, and letting all their best FA's walk away, I think people will keep lining up!

c) Sad interview with Larry Brown on ESPN- I think that fight really affected him, and he seems dazed with all this, wondering how things got out of control so quickly; I wonder what stopped him from resigning. He said his son never wants to go to another NBA game after seeing what he did. You reap what you sow; if you promote a league by players (Jordan, Bird, Johnson begets Artest, Rodman, Kobe) they become bigger than the game. If someone did this in the NFL, they'd be gone, and the league would keep on rolling, because NFL fans love teams, not necessarily players. You promote the NFL by team matchups, and if ABC's newest promotion is any indication (or vindication), they are taking the most important spot of their NBA calendar, outside of the post-season, and are putting two games that are made special by player turmoil (Kobe/Shaq and Pacers/Pistons), and promoting them through that. As Phil Mushnick might say "Shame on you..." (But those NBA on ABC commercials sung to the Jackson 5's ABC are strangely alluring...)

Stay classy, San Diego..

"Hey, Kris... I heard that girl asking about you!"

2004-12-21T10:17:00.000-05:00

First things first, please enjoy this excerpt of an email sent by the fine person who runs NBC Fitness Center:

Hi there,
The following has been brought to my attention some of you might
already know this. Every year The Father's Heart Church has a Children's Holiday
Party, but here's the catch if they don't collect enough toys the kids just
receive candy, what's that about. So I'm asking everyone to help the cause -
After all it's all about the children, right. The toys can be dropped off at the
fitness center today and tomorrow morning, the party is Tuesday, December 21 yes
tomorrow sorry for the short notice. Thank you soooo much - it's much
appreciated

I'll trust my readers enough to let that speak for itself...

Folks, Kris Benson is the luckiest man in the world. First, Omar "Headlines" Minaya rewards this guy's sub-.500 career of mediocrity with a 3 year, $22.5 million contract. Then, (and I realize I am placing his luck way out of chronological order, but more in my order of discovery) I find out he has the hottest baseball wife I've ever seen. Anyone who watched a minute of FOX's 2003 Playoff coverage knows what Kerry Wood's wife looks like, and I know Chuck Finley's wife was in many-a-trashy 80's music video... but, ladies and gentlemen, THIS is unprecedented: http://www.annabenson.net -- But chicks like this should come with a warning label..

"On Tuesday's Howard Stern Show, Kris' wife Anna made it clear that she would get more than even with her husband if he slept with a baseball groupie. "I told him -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want," she said. "If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team, coaches,
trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."

Whoa. Maybe Omar knew what he was doing keeping Kris Benson around! I think that contract was his blitzkerig attempt at keeping him and Anna in town. And can't you just see this now? Willie Randolph and Cookie Rojas sitting with young Benson in the dugout, pointing out girls in the stands he thinks are staring at Kris. Or even, John Franco (we all know he's a dirtbag), hiring strippers to Benson's room while on the road...

Don Criqui & Steve Tasker?

2004-12-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

Morning Business cont'd:

a) When you've got two gentlemen named Don Criqui and Steve Tasker calling the plays for the CBS broadcast of the Bears vs. Texans, it's a good chance you are watching the D game of the weekend. The game being shown to 2% of the country, using half the cameras of a normal NFL broadcast, and maybe if you are lucky, using the yellow 1st down marker line.. They didn't even give these guys the CBS Sports blazers! (They were wearing snow jackets!) However, the fine folks at the Eye were onto something, because this was a snoozer fit for the PAX network. I'm not sure why I mention this, other than my fascination with the name Criqui... Cree-keewe...

b) CBS vs FOX: FOX's game broadcasts seem crisper and faster-paced, while CBS never misses a second to plug one of their shows, or play their bombastic, mind-numbing NFL on CBS theme which sounds like a cross between a early 80s Schwarzenegger blockbuster theme and your run of the mill war video game. I'm into it when they're running the opening animation, with the cheerleaders, and the fast-paced tease of the game... but by halftime, I am cringing every time I think it's about to start playing again. The convential thinking of network sports operations is that the heavy losses from rights fees paid to major sports properties are offset by the amount of viewers attracted to the events, wherein you can draw them to your prime time and news... But CBS has crossed the line.. Every freakin' time the refs whistle the play dead it's another goddamn reminder for Survivor Vanuatu, Cold Case, and the next NFL star 60 Minutes wants to interview. And before you can recover and shake out the cobwebs, boom-boom-boom here's the NFL on CBS theme, like a linebacker spying an open quarterback...then some mind-numbing commercial breaks with the moron twins yapping about commerce in France for IBM; Folks, I don't even know what they're selling here! Then it's a dose of Levitra, Cialis, a car, a diamond, a beer, and then boom-boom-boom here's the NFL on CBS again. And, the amazing part about all this, is that this clusterfuck of sensory overload makes the sound of Shannon Sharpe's voice soothing by comparison! I can tolerate this abuse when I'm watching a good game, or even when Nantz & Simms are leading the way, but not for Mr. Don Criqui and the 3 and out Bears!!

c) It's not just me... the Titans logo really does look like a flaming thumbtack.

d) Way to go, SNL. DeNiro lays an egg the first time he hosts, and what do you do when he comes back? You re-do the same first two sketches as when he hosted the first time. It's amazing when I can even make it to Update anymore.. I think Gilbert Gottfried said it best, "They're a mediocre restaurant in a terrific location."

e) 5 things I like about holiday season: Gifts, Cheerleaders in santa outfits, slow times at the office, seeing family, [CENSORED] trashed at 3 in the afternoon from eggnog, wearing a santa hat.

f) The Michael Littner world tour had a triumphant show this past Saturday at the Improv. Michael manages to be one of the few oases in the desertland of terrible comedy hosted at the Improv on Saturday nights; highlights included his ovary dance.

More to come...

Do you have the Beatles "White Album"? Nevermind, I'll have a hot cup of fat, and the head of Alfredo Garcia...

2004-12-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

Morning business:

a) Omar Minaya has rocks for brains. Either he's trying assemble a 25-man roster consisting of only Dominicans to hang out with, or headlines are more important than winning real games. Now, I know it's never easy for the Mets, being the other team in the city with the biggest team in the world; so big, in fact, they transcend the sport. But, get it together... You're not going to win by overpaying for over the hill veterans (or trading the jewels of your farm system for average pitching). Pedro has been steadily going downhill for the past three years; he was still effective last year, albeit very tenuously. And no one much cared that his agent was trying to convince the Mets to sign him without having to take a physical. If Pedro has more than a year and a half of quality starts for this team before breaking down into oblivion, I'll be the first to admit I was wrong. 4 Years, $52 million... I just don't get it.

b) You see 15 seconds of Linda Rondstat singing "It's So Easy" last night on VH1 Classic, and you can't rid yourself of hearing the song over and over in your head. How fucked up is that?!

c) I don't understand people who insist that as rock operas go, The Who's "Tommy" is better than Pink Floyd's "The Wall". I don't even think this is close!

d) I'm going to take a quick break from the quick, rapid-fire shots of opinion before this turns into a Larry King column...

Last night, my roommate Andy and myself were taken to dinner by our friend Hannah and her grandparents. This sounds awful, right? Grandparents? Her grandparents are the coolest people in the world. I'd even go as far as to say that I would, on my own, hang out with these senior citizens for a few hours. Her Grandma Bubbles is still as lively as I'm sure she was in her early days, and talks about dignitaries and famous people of this city as though she knows them... because she does... all of them. She mentioned something about how Donald Trump was an asshole, and that her son, David, a developer, was once asked by the Donald, why he (David) never said anything nice about him... David told him that he'd say something nice about him as soon as he thought of something nice to say about him. She wrote the first kids guide to NYC, and is a remarkable woman. Grandpa Eddie is a very funny man, who is often quiet, but when he speaks, it's worth the wait.

They took us to this place called the Harmonie Club, an old social club built in the turn of the century for Jews who weren't allowed into the other clubs of New York. And this place was awesome... I won't bore you with the details, but slacks and jackets are a must, and when Andy showed up in jeans, they made him wait in the back room; I would have tried something like "Do you have any idea who I am?) Meanwhile, we were on our way with clothes for him, and Hannah and I nearly had him in golf pants and a blue corduroy jacket before Bubbles put the kibosh on that. We had lobster for dinner, and it was magnificent. Andy remarked that I looked like the assumed identity of the doctor that Kramer from Seinfeld would play, based on what I was wearing.. With a checkered grey sportcoat, over a blue sweater, with a plaid shirt underneath, slacks, and a scarf, I felt like someone in the background of a 70s Woody Allen movie.

e) The Apprentice finale did a 13.2 - Last year's Apprentice finale did a 19.3 - In TVspeak, that is a HUGE difference. You reap what you sow... this year's version was unwatchable. Not a single character that was compelling or worth watching; they were all the nastiest, mean spirited people, and the ones that weren't were just vanilla boring.

f) Thank you for all your comments so far, keep 'em coming.

Top 5 Pet Peeves of the Holiday Season

2004-12-16T13:02:00.000-05:00

This has been fun so far, so in celebration of the launch, we're doing a special two-a-day blog. Without further ado, here are my Top 5 Pet Peeves of the Holiday Season:

10. Christmas Music - I DO NOT LIKE XMAS MUSIC. I DO NOT LIKE XMAS MUSIC. I DO NOT LIKE XMAS MUSIC. There are probably a multitude of reasons for this. We'll start be narrowing them down- For one thing, it has very little to do with being Jewish and not having a particular affinity for Xmas. Anyone who knows me knows I have a weird affinity for Arabic and Indian music, and I definitely have more in common with the WASPs than I do with the Turbans and Towels. (Bhangara!) What really drives my dislike is that they are cheesy, and hokey, and I feel like people who know better get sucked in.... and they become unavoidable the day after Thanksgiving. The media integration is even worse; When I see ESPN promos for College Football games using the tune of the 12 Day of Xmas (and, please, someone who has been baptized, explain to me how there are twleve fucking days of Xmas) , I seriously want to douse myself in gasoline and light myself on fire... and those goddamn Old Navy commercials; they're so bad year-round, yet these ad geniuses have figure out a way to take it up a notch. I can't go on anymore.

9. Christmastime in Rockefeller Center - My place of work turns into a merry-go-round for people from Wyoming. I have nothing against people from Wyoming, I just want them to learn the goddamn rules. Whenever a plane lands in NY from one of these places, instead of teaching rednecks how to buckle their safety belt (this can be filed under the same heading as telling someone the number they've just called and that they need to wait for the beep before leaving a message on one's voice mail), explain the rules of NYC. "Attention, rule #1: Treat sidewalk traffic as you would traffic on the autobahn. Do not stop. If you are going to stop, pull to the side of the walkway and when you're ready to re-engage, proceed. Rule #2: Do not travel 3 or 4 in a line. This is asking for trouble; walk single-file, and again, do not stop. Rule #3: Do not expect anyone to give a shit that you are taking a picture in front of an oversized Xmas tree. It would be a leap of faith to think that your bumpkin cousins back at home care that much about seeing you in front of a tree, do not assume that anyone in this city is going to stop what they are doing so you can take a picture of your wife in front of a tree. If you can accomplish this, more power to you, but you may need to be very patient." And so on and so forth... I think Rule 5 would be prohibiting travel outside of Times Square.

8. TV Holiday Programming - Hey, I've got a great idea! Why not batter people senseless with this upcoming holiday by relentless, and decades old programming! Instead of taking advantage of very high HUT levels during this wintery season and showing our best stuff, let's trudge Jimmy fucking Stewart out there one more time and have him muttering about bells and angels. (I, for the record, have never seen this movie).

7. The Spirit? - Somehow people think that this holiday season brings out a spirit in people of generosity, caring and giving. I'd file this with "100,000,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can't Be Wrong."

6. Sick people - I know I've devoted the core of this to dealing with the holiday; but this one has really got me rankled. When people are sick, they should not come to work... or they should take a cue from the Japanese and wear one of those face masks. I sit facing a wall, and there is a mini wall that divides my area with some girl, who faces towards my desk, and has been coughing from bronchitis for the last week IN MY DIRECTION! And she started to get irritated with me when I would show signs of being irritated with her launching germs in MY FACE! (ducking, or turning my head, or glaring at her with eyes of death) It got so bad that I was bent down, nearly having my chin on my desk, to duck from the flying germ warfare while doing work. And in between coughs, having to hear her rejoice about having a white christmas! This is also the same chucklehead who refuses to set foot in Yankee Stadium because she's such a die-hard Red Sox fan.. I know, I know, yes, even if she had front-row tickets to Game 7 of the ALCS... #$&*@& #$&@....

Phew, that felt good. But to show you all I'm not a total scrooge, tomorrow (or later today), I will bring forth the Top 5 Reasons to Rejoice that the Holidays are here.

Genesis + Cans

2004-12-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

I suppose the idea of a blog has always intrigued me; but the minutae involved has always halted this progress before it ever got off the ground. How much to divulge on this thing? What sort of tone should these blogs o' mine have? But RK showed me the way- he proved to me that when you've got something on your mind; be it, a bitch on wheels that you can't quite figure out what to do with, or just an overflowing toilet at a friends house, this is your corner to stand on your soapbox and let the world know that I FEEL THIS! So welcome to Musings from a cubicle at my very own corner of Hyde Park.

So, cans. My mother got me a set of Bose headphones for Hanukah; and they sound pretty damn good. A very thoughtful gift for someone like myself, for without my iPod, I would have lost my mind in this city a long time ago. (side note: the iPod is my oasis. Imagine this scenario... and for those of you who live in NYC, you won't have to do much imagining... you are on the subway, and two chinese ladies are screaming at each other; now, they're probably not angry at each other, per se, but since their language is tonal, the difference between a few decibels may actually change the word! now, if you don't have your headphones on, you are contemplating homicide, or, at least I am. But with bliss eminating from little white buds in my ears, I am tapping my foot to something great, while wondering if they have chickens hanging from their windows at home, AND at work.) Back to the cans: a great gift like this can not go to waste, but there is a rub-- there is a large difference between walking around the city with tiny little white headphones in your ears, and big ol' cans on your dome. One is fashionable, the other is an expression of nerdiness and self-involvement.

How the hell did we get here?! I remember as a teenager being at the mall in LA, in line for a movie, and be seeing vato gangstas with massive cans on their ears attached to a CD player; it was a thug thing, and I would think to myself "Man, what a bunch of losers". But now that the iPod has taken over the world, the idea of listening to music while on-the-go is socially acceptable, and at this point in time in our universe, fashionable. All because of headphones? I'm not one to forgo function over fashion; but all of a sudden the statement that I am making to the world has been altered immediately. But the bottom line is this, with winter taking hold, those cans make my ears nice and warm, and man, do they sound good.

Today's Song of Choice: "Let Go" by Frou Frou (Garden State Soundtrack)