22 September 2005

Our Phone Lines Are Now Open...

Week 1 - The strangest week in the NFL. If you're a Suicide/Survival Football player, you have come to rue Week 1. This year, it was the "sure-thing" Vikings and Rams causing the proverbial "Week 1 Massacre", and knocking out 80% of the league.

Week 2 - We think what we saw in Week 1 was for real... but what we saw in Week 1 was mighty strange. For example, the KC Chiefs shutting down the Jets offense? (Or any offense?) Week 2 is our chance to 'rub our eyes and make sure what we're seeing is real.' So what happens this? Peyton Manning doesn't throw a TD pass till the 4th Quarter, and the Bears DEFENSE scores more points than the Colts OFFENSE (seperate games, mind you, but...). However, certain trends continue: Minnesota looks lost, Favre looks old, and Tampa Bay keeps rollin' on them Cadillac grills.

Week 3? I think I'm just as confused... but I have a vague idea of what to expect (picks in CAPS):

Tennessee Titans at ST. LOUIS RAMS (-6 1/2): I go into this whole introduction about how bizarre everything is, and then lead off with this game? (Great.) Anyway, Same old story, year after year, with these two teams: Mike Martz, Steve McNair, Mark Bulger. For this game, at St. Louis, Titans' WR Drew Bennett is Questionable, Titans' RB Chris Brown is Questionable, and Rams Head Coach, Mike Martz, is always Questionable. Rams will win, but will anyone care?

Oakland Raiders at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8): Nice marquee match-up here with two of the most spoiled brats in all of sports. Anyone who has read this blog knows my feelings about Randy Moss (and anyone who dared to pick up a remote control and switch on ESPN in the offseason knows allllll about Terrell Owens)... but now Moss is a Raider, it makes it that much easier to look past these things, and instead, focus on the honeymoon phase, and all the nice outreach work he has done for children. Really, heartwarming stuff. However, I expect a quiet day from Randy, as the Eagles will blitz the heck out of Kerry Collins all day long. Collins needs his time, and won't get nearly enough to make his throws. If the Raiders are to have any shot at this one, they'll need to lay off the penalties (Ha!), drastically improve the performance of their secondary (HA HA!), and play with some fire (Now I'm actually laughing out loud). Eagles will handily cover the spread.

Cincinnati Bengals at CHICAGO BEARS (+3): Now, I actually think that next to Steelers/Pats, this is the marquee game of the day. You've got Cincy, a much much MUCH improved team on both sides of the ball, with the league's next star QB in Carson Palmer going into Chicago, a team with (as of Week 3) the most dominant defense in the league. Chicago has some weapons on offense as well, so I expect a very even game. I think the homefield advantage will give them the edge, and while I don't expect them to score as many points on defense, I'm certain they will make life very difficult for everyone wearing the league's silliest looking uniform.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS at New York Jets (NL): It seems like the oddsmakers might be waiting on Leftwich's health to call this one, but I think he'll play, and I think he'll win. The Jets are what they are- light offense, light defense, kind of blahh; Chad is a question mark, Curtis Martin is too old, and the players are punching each other. Mr. Pennington is having some trouble getting his act together after reconstructive surgery, and that is about par for the course. Some good moments, and some "what in the world??" moments... needless to say, sports talk radio is having this team for breakfast. And every single one of those idiots calling in, bemoaning the "loss" of Paul Hackett should have their heads examined... Hackett was run outta town faster than Trey Atwood on Rodeo Drive. (This is a clear homage to Sports Guy.. I don't even watch the show anymore, but yet....) But the Jags have shown me some things; their defense held the Colts scoreless for longer than any defense ever has, and they have yet to commit a turnover! Leftwich might be a little banged up, but he is really coming together, and yes, this is the same guy who played with broken limbs. I expec a tight game, but I think the Jags will edge the Jets at home, and all hell will break loose on WFAN.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3) at Miami Dolphins: Love Saban and the new-look Fish, but they're not quite there yet. Carolina plays well on both sides of the ball, and just beat the defending champs. The line is a nod to the Dolphins improvement, but I do expect Carolina to cover.

Cleveland Browns at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-14): Trent Dilfer. Peyton Manning.

ATLANTA FALCONS at Buffalo Bills (NL): Another wait and see approach by the boys in Vegas, on "Monday Night" Michael Vick. Falcons fans, this is Cub fan: I feel your pain, two-fold. I know the feeling of having talent on your team so tantalizingly good that you know if they could only stay healthy, just once, it would be enough. (Of course, I'm not talking about any pitchers on the Cubs... right?) The Falcons have blown hot and cold, but I think the Bills will just blow. HAHAHAHAHA... oh man, somebody cut me off.

Arizona Cardinals at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-6): I might have made this point before, but, shoot, here goes again. Has anyone else noticed that all Pacific Northwestern sports teams are exactly the same? They're ridiculously mediocre for years on end, and then, all of a sudden, they put it together, do some amazing things leading up to the post-season, and ultimately shit the bed. You know what? I don't even care who wins this game. Kurt Warner should not have a job in the NFL anymore. Arizona shouldn't have an NFL franchise, and I vote we give Seattle another 5 years to get it together, or all their teams go somewhere else. Capisce? (ahem, Seahawks won't cover.)

New England Patriots at PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-3): I think the time has come. Bemused by the Raiders in Week 1, embarassed by the Panthers in Week 2, this is put up or shut up time for the Patriots. But, this time, the Steelers are ready. Wille Parker, Big Ben, that safety with the wild hair, and 50,000+ who want nothing more than total Patriot anihilation. I even think that Steelers will cover, and get the talking heads really fired up about a Steelers Super Bowl.

DALLAS COWBOYS (-6 1/2) at San Francisco 49ers: San Francisco... you wreck my suicide pool, and then you look like a pop warner team against the Iggles in week 2. The hell with you all... and have fun playing Parcells' bunch after that Monday Night Debacle. I'm sure practice was reaaaaaaaaal fun this past week in Dallas. Note to Tagliabue: this is the week to let Nolan wear the suit, so he can be put to rest right after the game.

New York Football Giants at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-6): This is easy.. 0-2 San Diego, pissed off and ready to explode, and guess who's coming to town? The snot nosed punk who told the Chargers he wouldn't play for them, and had Daddy strong-arm them into trading his rights to the team in the #1 TV Market. Giants have had two soft wins, and are ready to be exposed.

Who I Like On Monday Night, and I Don't Mean Sam Ryan:

Another cheap homage to King, and Yes, I do mean Sam Ryan.

KC CHIEFS vs Denver Broncos (-3): I hate both these teams, but the Chiefs are pretty damn good. Maybe really good. Might be special. Vermeil has a look about him this year, and that two-headed running beast is amazing. Looks like they can play D too... TOTALLY unimpressed with Denver. Every NFL coach named Mike this year might be in trouble, especially Mr. "I'm such a brilliant coach, I can't win without John Elway".

Okay, time to make sure I still have a job. Feel free to send all your hate-mail to my roommate! (I'm already looking right at you Jets and Giants fans...)


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